Shit, shit and more shit

It's so funny how quickly things change. I feel like I'm never prepared or ready for it, and it always leaves me in a worse place then when I started. I've come to the point where no matter how hard I try, no matter how much I believe things will get better, or that this 'change' is for the better. The harder it hits me, things will never be different, and that it's not really change. It's just more bullshit with a different name, and I am just going to have to live with that. The only problem is, that's easier said than done. It would be so much easier if I could just place all these thoughts and worries in a part of my mine and never have to think about them. But when you have a constant reminder of them it makes it almost impossible to forget. I feel like I'm carrying around so much heartache and so much disappointment that I will never be able to get rid of it, that it will be stuck with me forever. I don't want that more than anything, because I know it's turning me into someone I'm already starting to hate. I've lost so much in my life, and gained so very little. It's almost unfair. And I want more than anything to believe that somehow things will be different in the future,  but I can't bring myself to see it happening.